The 8 types of husbands that lockdown has exposed us to.

This Covid-19 has caused an unusual happening in many homes. Husbands are home with their wives. Apart from teachers and probably nurses ,many spouses have never been in the house together for this long. So, today we ask, from which category do you fall under?

The Couch Potato

This one has possessed the TV remote. This man has started to realise that there are better channels than CNN. He is now getting entertained by local programmes. You will hear him roar in laughter at a joke made by Awiti at The real househelps of Kawangware. This might be interrupted by calls in between which he picks and speaks so loudly after muting the TV. You do not remember when you last cleaned that short and grey tshirt.

The couch potato is always requesting for a glass of water or juice and will take all his meals and leave the dishes at the table expecting you, his devoted wife to pick them up. If his daughter/son is around, he might ask them to take them to the kitchen. The kids were excited to have him around but not any more, a week later when they realised he is of no use. Well at least, he is not violent.

The Mayweather

Prayers for this woman withThe Mayweather type of husband. Recently, a study showed that domestic violence has increased since the Corona lockdown. This man has entirely changed the mood of the home in a negative way. He is constantly causing heartbeats to skip. He will make a fuss when food is late or when the toddler cries. He is a control freak. He is the one who dictates when people should sleep, wake up, eat, talk and even breath. And his insults are too much! He has transformed his home into a boxing ring. The Mayweather will however not tell you that he is frustrated not with you but by his own inadequacies. He feels inferior but will hide it in a superiority complex. Try not to cross such a man, don’t challenge him, start planning a post-covid plan for yourself and your children. You are no one’s punching bag and your kids do not deserve such an Afghanistanic environment.

The big child

It is as if he has been secretly wishing for such a moment. The big child will wear your dresses to make your child laugh. The hide and seek game makes him more excited than it does to the kid. Wait till you meet his beards all plaited, his lips full of lipstick, his eyes dark with eye pencil and he looks at you to share in the laughter. Then he has on his head your expensive wig trimmed to look comical. He however will not help the kids with their homework and will not listen to you when you try and make a point.

The big child barely makes time for you. He constantly makes you feel as if you are the only adult in the house. This is the type of husband who leaves for a minute and all the kids act as if someone died. With this man,I would join the bandwagon. Play and play until there’s no more adult left in the house.

The family man

He sometimes wakes up early and makes breakfast. You wake up and realise that the living room that was left messy yesternight is now sparkling clean. This man, you will leave the house to get a hairdo and anxiously rush back to the house only to meet the children satisfied, bathed and happily watching JimJam. He has even set a certain hour everyday for the family to pray and read the Bible. He might not have much but a good heart. He will not mind the neighbours whispering that you have ‘sat’ on him. His main focus is to have a happy family. Don’t take this man for granted. Ignore what he marred rather appreciate his good deeds. Don’t lose this type of man. Someone will pick him up before he lands down.

The phone addict

The phone addict sleeps late because he was watching something on Youtube or Facebook live. His meals go cold because his phone takes all his attention. His children shout for his attention which he offers for a few seconds. Any more nagging will be received with strong reprimand. The world around him does not exist, what does is inside that 5’7 inch smartphone. You will constantly see him smiling as his fingers quickly tap on his phone’s keyboard. He is an admin of so many group chats on Whatsapp which he religiously ensures that they remain active. He will get very vexed when power goes off because his phone is almost on low battery. You will hear him hiss , “Shit! 55%, the damn lights!” Woman, your man needs real help.

The cheater

Even with the Corona, this man will still cheat. He receives phone calls that don’t seem to have clear signals when he is in the living room with you so he has to go out where he can speak freely. The cheater always has convenient emergencies, like his boss suddenly called him at the office. He leaves muttering curses at his boss who wants to risk his life. Then he is generously willing to be the one to go and buy the forgotten salt at the shop a few metres away which he brings two hours later. The cheater will break his bones if he discovers he left his phone within your reach. He would rather forget to carry the towel as he goes to shower than his phone. The cheater forced you to let your domestic manager go because it woud just have been an issue of throwing meat to a hyena. Someone said, once a cheat, always a cheat. Do do not expect a miracle. He will always be like this, corona or no corona.

The workaholic

This one had to renovate a section of the house to accomodate his lifestyle and now has a small office stacked with books , files and a computer. He wakes up very early and works very late in the evening. If you complain, he replies that he has to work even harder now and adds that, that is why you afford to live such a good life. Sometimes he hurriedly asks for a formal shirt and tie for his Skype or Zoom meetings with a ‘very important person’. He then starts to communicate in a different language, something like “the radiocarbon results would need to be calibrated to convert them to calendar ages.” You barely understand. Your kids have to play a distance away from his ‘office’ to avoid making any noise for him. See this man, let him be. Let him work. After all that’s why you can afford that life, his words, not mine.

The perfect sexy husband

They are rare species. For every thousand men, exists only one. He will wake you with breakfast in bed, tease feeding you one of the the strawberries until you grab his hand and feed yourself. He will lift you to the shower, undress you artistically and make love to you under the pouring shower. In the kitchen, as you slice the tomatoes and cucumber, he will come behind you and kiss your neck and you will forget what you were doing for another hour. He will help you with the house chores often stopping you to dance along your favorite songs. Then in the evening, he will wrap a blanket around you two as you sit in the living room watching your favorite movie whose end you will not see because you two will be busy making your own movie. The at night, you will wake up with a startle in bed but smile at his romantic phrase, “I am watching over the sleeping beauty.”

Then you will wake up for real this time and realize that the perfect real husband only exists in your mind.

Is your husband not among this eight? Add yours on our facebook page or on the comment section below.

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